Photo credit link
I’ve had it on my mind today to talk about inner peace and how important it is to be true to oneself over anything else and then I saw this graphic (above) and knew this was the topic of the day!
My mind never rests… a troublesome thing but I think it keeps me sane. When I woke this morning, the thoughts of how I’ve changed over the last ten years weighed heavily on my soul, the most positive way possible.
All my life, I’ve been told what to think, how to feel, how to believe. I’ve rebelled against it all and questioned nearly everything all my life! I was that kid that if you say don’t do it, I did it to spite you! I was always considered trouble and never felt like I belonged.
My mother raised me up in four branches of the christian faith all while telling me about the gods and goddesses and incorporating mythology into my everyday life. I yearned for more of the latter all the time. I delve into mythology and found a great love there.
I tried to stay in the “church” and do what everyone wanted of me…but my soul was NEVER at peace. Until the fall of 2010! That is when I left a longterm relationship and moved back “home”. While my boys sat in the second row of our minivan playing and talking I made a personal vow to myself to always and forever be true to myself – whatever that may be. I knew there were steps I had to take to get there so the first things I did was make peace with my demons. Those were the hardest to overcome. It took another year for me to accomplish it all!
My demons included releasing the guilt of not seeing my mother the last few years of her life. She had no idea where I lived, how I was doing, or if I was even alive. I made the choice to stop talking to her and to remove her toxicity from life the day she told I enjoyed being molested as a child and wanted it. So the hurt of that built up inside me for years, but I knew the choice I had made was the correct one. Since she had been out of my life – I felt no guilt or stress for the things she would say to me. It was her death that haunted me for a while, but not any longer.
Another set of demons was that of those who had abused me in some way or another in my life. I had to learn and accept that they were wrong and I was not at fault. Twenty-nine years of my life had abuse of some kind or another in but had anyone stood up for me, loved me unconditionally, and protected me…my life would be so different now.
The biggest demon I had to release was the way I believed in spirituality and religion. I don’t believe the ways I was forced to as a child, how others felt I should as an adult. I feel at peace in nature, surounded by water and the sounds of the earth. I feel at peace believing that balance is the way of the world. I believe in a Goddess and a God that rule together in harmony. I believe in the energy of the world and the things in it. Herbs, crystals, and the moon give me peace and nature replenishes my soul like no other.
So, what did I do? I sat in a room, crossed my legs, and began to meditate. I envisioned a dark room with a door on the other side that I had to get to and go through in order to let go of all the hate and anger I had from my youth and younger adult years. I passed each demon and forgave them. I walked by them in that dark room and when I put my hand on the door that led to my peace and opened it, I felt peace wash over me. this was a very long meditation process!
The love of those who do love me unconditionally I can count on my fingers, but those are the ones I gathered strength from to be who I am today! They know who they are … no names needed.
Slowly I began to examine the ways I’ve felt all the years of my life. My love for things pagan and natural, for the things that gave me the most peace of all. Over the last ten years I have searched my soul, inwardly, for the answers no one could give me before. What I found was that it’s okay to be different than what those around you expect from you! Its okay to believe differently! Its okay to be authentic to yourself above all else because at night when I go to sleep, it is my soul that is at peace!
Not so long ago, I wrote a poem/short that I think sums it all up. I’ll share with you!
Conformity almost killed my soul.
I wanted to be expressive.
I wanted to try things.
I wanted to believe differently.
I wanted to explore the world and all its realms.
My soul was different from those who tried to conform me into their versions of who and what I should be.
I was always trying to be what everyone wanted – my mother, stepdad, friends, family, and lovers.
Always trying to conform to their ideas of what I should be, all the while I was struggling with an inner battle that left my soul restless.
Growing up, I was always told I was rebellious and even as an adult.
Maybe I was, am, maybe I didn’t want to conform to the ideas and molds that life was giving me.
Maybe the shape and direction others wanted me to go was not where my soul was not meant to be – I was unhappy so I “rebelled”.
I became depressed, full of anxiety, lost my self-esteem and confidence.
I had to find myself again.
It was when I quit conforming and removed those who were trying to make me into something, someone, I was not… did I begin to find peace – true peace.
In 2010, I began a journey that led to me, the me I am today – a better me than ever before.
I am free.
My soul is no longer being shoved into a shape in which it was not designed.
My soul is no inhibited from being who it was meant to be.
My soul is no longer being tortured but being nurtured.
My soul is now allowed to walk where it wants, search the ends of the earth, and be at peace.
My soul can now breathe in the world and release its truest nature and expressions – and that is what a peaceful soul is.
I did not let conformity destroy my soul.