I know you have been gone for quite some time now, almost twelve years, but I still have the desire on occasion to pick up the phone and call. Not sure this will ever go away. Your grandchildren are all grown up now. High school is over for all but one, he finishes next week, you have three grandchildren now…I am sorry you never got to meet them.
Our relationship was one built on the insanity we called our life. You were so young when you brought me into the world. You told me how you didn’t want me and wanted to give me away, especially after things didn’t work with my father. He was a unique man to say the least, wish I had met him. You kept me anyway.
Over the years, my life and presence seemed to torment you – I think it was guilt that ate you up. Guilt that you had not had the life you truly wanted but instead had me.
You taught me many things and for this I am thankful. You taught me to appreciate Mother Earth and her many gifts. You taught me to eat from her and drink from her and use her gifts to better myself. You taught me how to give back to her, to respect her and to love her. You taught me how to be strong and independent at all times. You taught me to prepare and prepare and prepare…
What I had wished you taught me was how to love, how to accept help and ask for it when I really needed it, and it was okay to depend on someone.
I speak to my brother often and he is “seeing” the world as it is now and not the version of it from behind the veil you kept over him. He is angry and disappointed. I remind him you were young and really didn’t know what to do with us. You yourself was a child and had to grow and learn quickly. You were more like a friend to me than a mother cause as that friend you turned on me, banished me, shamed me… as that friend I was able to walk away from you.
But with all that… all that I learned and didn’t learn I just want you to know that I love you. You are the mom I was given, the mom I had.
When I reflect on our life together, I focus not on the negative… I am past that now. I focus on the times where we picked fruit in the orchards and came home and made jams. I focus on the times we went to historical sites and hiked for hours. I focus on the times we dug in the dirt in the mountains to find gems.
Although, you can never respond to this letter I know you can read it… you will get my message as I believe the spirit world walks among us.
You will know that I love you even when you couldn’t love me.
You will know that I am at peace and learned how to accept love and show it.
You will know that my life is good.
Love always from the daughter you never wanted but kept anyway…